I’m 67 and sleeping with a married man

Dear Pastor,

I am a 67-year-old woman and I am facing a serious problem. It is not money I need. My husband and I lived in England, and we returned to Jamaica to spend our remaining years. We have good investments here, and the house I live in is fully paid for.

My children often tell me to enjoy life and visit them whenever I wish. I have two children, a son and a daughter, and I do not ask them for anything--they check in to see if I am okay.

Two years ago, my husband became ill and passed away. Before he died, he had developed a good farm and employed a friend to help him manage it. My husband had always been healthy, so his illness and passing were shocking.

Over time, I found myself falling in love with this man, who is now 71 years old but still very strong. Initially, no one knew about my feelings. Eventually, we began a sexual relationship.

The problem is, he is married. I get along well with his wife, and sometimes we all go out together, but she does not know that her husband is intimate with me. I cannot ask him to stop coming around because I feel I cannot live without him. When I expressed concern about taking him away from his wife, he said he is only performing a duty.

I do not understand how sex with me could be his 'duty', but it seems to be more than that now because I constantly desire him. Occasionally, when he should be home, I make excuses for him when his wife calls, but he tries to be home by 9 p.m.

Apart from paying him for his work on the farm and around the house, I do not provide him with money. He is a good lover. I feel terrible sharing this with you, but I beg you not to judge me. Please do not tell me to leave him, because I feel I would die without him.

E.

Dear E.,

As a counsellor, I have to tell you the truth, even if its hurts. I want you to know, however, that over the years, I have met many women in your age group who are faced with similar problems. Their husbands have died and have left them fairly wealthy, and these women want to remain sexually active.

Like you, they steal love on the side. Some of them become in love with men. Some of these men are much younger than themselves. Many women even buy motor cars for them. Some demand a lot from the younger men.

On the other hand, some young men are foolish, they physically abuse these women.

In your case, this man is not abusing you, and the love that you have for him has grown. He feels that he is performing a duty.

You are not his wife, so I assume that you feel that you must take good care of him because if he is going to do a 'service' for to you, and he has to do a 'service' at his yard, he has to be mighty strong.

You have to be playing the hypocrite because you know his wife well. You don't want to lose him, and divorce is out of the question.

I wonder what your children would say if you were to tell them about the dilemma you found yourself in. Do you think that your son, for example, would want you to continue to have a relationship with this man?

You and this man are lovers in the dark. Do you want your children to let the world know that you have a secret lover? If this relationship has to always be in the dark, it should come to an end. I believe that if you were to make this relationship known to his wife, she would hate you, and may even threaten to divorce her husband.

Perhaps it is time for you to tell this man that you cannot go on with him, and you would love to find someone who is free.

If you really believe that you cannot do without a man, there are dating sites and social avenues for mature adults seeking relationships.

This is undoubtedly a difficult situation, but you deserve a relationship without secrecy and fear. I wish you well.

Pastor